Dear 2015: You Suck, I’m Moving On

Dear 2015: You have been the worst year of my life so far. I should have known that was going to be the case since you started with the death in the family of my, back then still, boyfriend. I was optimist enough to believe it could only go uphill from there. But, over the course of you, I have lost everything I have loved and let go of everything I had built for myself. Over the course of you, you have made me doubt myself in more ways and to more depths than any other year before you and there were few victories that did not come at a price.

Sure, you are the year I traveled to Hawaii, stood up on a surfboard for the first time and saw the magical fireworks show in Disneyland. You are the year I fought my fear of flying, saw my best friend twice and visited cities and states I never thought I would ever see. You are the year I got to enjoy countless breathtaking sunsets and dozens of beach walks. At your best, you are the year that made me realize, once again and this time for certain, what I want all years of my life to look like.

But you are also the year that leaves me with no certainty in any aspect of my life. You are the year that is making me start all over again. You are the year that has turned me into the ghost of a girl that I want to be most, to the shell of a girl that I used to know well… Heck, now you are even the year that makes me quote Christina Perri lyrics! You leave me incredibly scared of the future and pessimistic that things are going to get better. You leave me stranded, insecure and feeling like an idiot.

You might be the year I will look back at some day as the one that taught me the meaning of fighting, of not giving up, of growing. As the year that will pinpoint a remarkable change for the better, a year that will impact the rest of my life in hauntingly beautiful ways that I can’t even see from where I stand right now. But, until then, forgive me for hating you, for despising you and for impatiently waiting for you to be over. 2015, you suck, I’m moving on!

2012- A Year in Pictures

Yeah, I know. Another one of those year recaps. But I just can’t help it. 2012 has been such a happy, HAPPY year with a load of new experiences in all aspects of my life- Theater, Traveling, Going abroad, Dating and boys in general, Academics, Future plans, Life, HAPPINESS. A really, really great year has passed and has set the bar high for 2013. Here are some impressions of my year in pictures:

JANUARY.  

A friend of ours died in a tragic accident on New Years Eve. When the new year starts like that, you develop an unknown determination to make things count, enjoy every minute and never take things for granted. And so I tried. I realized something really important for myself. We are young, goddamn. We are young and in the process of finding ourselves. We are allowed to make mistakes and regret them and get over them and find new paths! And I’m not supposed to always choose the right thing; I am not supposed to have my future all planed out. I feel like simply jumping into this beautiful adventure called life, wherever it takes me, turning around and choosing another way if I don’t like the result, yes, maybe risking a detour but feeling good doing so. I don’t have to know what the outcome is, or what the end of the tunnel offers. I already wasted a lot of time recognizing that but luckily there is still a lot of time left and I will try my best to act upon it and be happy

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After 8 weeks of winter break finally reunited with my roommate (aka the- other- person- posting- here), moved on from the breakup from my then- boyfriend and was all ready to start fresh into 2012

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FEBRUARY

Starting to work out again and getting rewarded with OREO cake made by my friends (which, in Germany, is a scarce resource). It’s the moments when a friend makes you surprises like this that you are reminded of the power of friendship.

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February, one of the coldest and rainiest months in Germany. Naturally, the most logical conclusion is taking a dorm room, filling it up with sand, heat it on full power, put palms into it and play beach songs. Looking back, I liked this party a lot because it reflects how spontaneous and juvenile, how adventurous and fun we felt.
Having an epic and totally forbidden party without getting caught- LIKE A BOSS.

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MARCH

March. Did someone say HERE COMES THE SUN? Without further ado, we put my couch outside to make studying more fun. With the sun in Germany comes an astonishing increase in overall life satisfaction, especially noticeable on campus. Life motto from here until october: The sun shines so life is good.

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 APRIL

Spring break in Dublin. Lessons learned: Guinness might grow on you…or it might just not. And the Irish accent is good craic!

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KONY 2012 did not leave out Germany either. And no, I’m not one of those that watched the 30-minute-long video and assumed she knew the world. I did intense research and thought about it critically before starting to support them. I even applied for an internship, got it offered but then declined to be able to go to NYC. What did I learn from the campaign? Sometimes it’s not necessary to wait for change to come, its upon every one of us to raise our voice and tried to be heard. Why would we want to depend on anyone else to change our life for us?

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MAY

Not a real year without some downs and, since I want to be honest with my 2012 recap, here is one of them. Pressure of finding an internship, finishing finals, getting the visa in time and figuring out finances all crashed down on me at once and sometimes even chocolate can’t help. But, if you really want something in life, don’t accept a NO, go fight for it. You know you deserve it, so don’t mind the path, eyes on the goal.

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Last day of the spring semester, shortly before my departure to New York, sweet promises of my summer ringing in my head and the official start of our long-distance roommate relationship.

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JUNE

In New York! The start of three months that would change my life and my goals and, overall, would become the best decision of my life.

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JULY- AUGUST

My trips to DC, Indiana and Upstate New York showed me more of the US and made me even more passionate for the country. Yes, NYC does not equal the rest of the states but there is something in the way most people interact, something in the air that fascinates me . By the end of August, I was a true US- fanatic, its official now and I think all my friends would confirm.

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SEPTEMBER

Back in the fatherland but still heavily under US influence and desperate to keep my summer spirit alive in my everyday routine.
New dorm, new (temporary) roommate, new academic year, new challenges- the biggest one of them related to grad schools. I learned to hold on to things I love and to be willing to take more risks without double-questioning everything all the time.  Just because you sometimes cannot be sure of the outcomes it doesn’t mean everything will end in failure. This attitude brought me a new and happy relationship, in which I learned to be more confident in myself and that guys can be romantic indeed- first time in my life that I had gotten flowers from a boy! And my friends liked him 🙂

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OCTOBER

The joy of having a birthday full of wonderful surprises by my friends and boyfriend, the feeling of being loved and knowing that there are people who care about you added to the warm colors of fall, the mild weather and the smell of passing summer. Made me feel alive and happy and excited (and strong enough to face the tiring winter, urgh, I HATE it). Not to forget, Judith was actually back on campus, since Nairobi hadn’t worked out for her, so we got to have a short-distance-yet-not-roommates-time, which will change to us moving back in together this February 🙂

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NOVEMBER

Dedicated to rehearsals for “The Importance of Being Earnest”, in which I had the role of Gwendolen Fairfax. Made me realize how much I love theater and that, no matter where my future will take me, I will keep my eyes open for auditions and theater groups. It’s just too much fun to portray someone else and entirely sink into that role. Also, it’s ok to be crazy because the majority of theater people are.

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DECEMBER

Finals, a break-up, christmas, new years. A lot happening, a lot of thinking about myself, love, relationships, family. Mixed feelings at the end of 2012. Embracing crazy ideas like taking a day trip to Poland.

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2013

I know, only roughly 8% of people with new years resolutions actually stick to them but it’s still nice to have some. So, here are mine:

  • Stop bottling things up- tell people my opinion right away
  • Figure out things with the relationship that i ended but maybe not rightfully so?
  • STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK!!! Self-esteem, Ariane, self-esteem!
  • Doing my utmost to make San Francisco happen. I want this year to end with me being in the states!
  • Graduate

HAPPY BELAYED NEW YEAR everybody 🙂