First of all- This is a lie! If you tell me that my personality is not compatible with yours, then this relationship has failed because of how I was and of how I acted. If you say that you cant be happy in my presence, then is that not because of who I am? At the very least, it’s us, how WE were as a couple, the things WE did or didn’t do. So don’t give me this bullshit pitty.
Secondly- this line is usually the introduction of a more than unpleasant conversation/monologue/proposal that would end in a “Let’s just stay friends!”… I got enough friends, thank you! I don’t need a friend, I need a boyfriend. Actually, I don’t even necessarily need that, I was at the stage where I would have wanted a significant other in my life but I am not dependent on one! BURN!
Thirdly- Is the question really whether its you or me? Isn’t it rather “WHY”?! Why did you not want to believe me when I told you that we were too different? Why did you have to shake the few solid pillars that would help me through break-ups? Why did you promise me heaven on earth, promised to change, to make things better, to please please please give you a second chance despite how little I trust in those? Why did you tell me to just be myself, because thats who you love, only to dump me a few weeks later for that exact reason? Why was I not enough to make you stop searching for more, to make you have the ideal romantic relationship you have always imagined? Oh, right, I forgot…its not me, its him….
He left and, of course, the skies opened up like in a dramatic movie scene and it was hailing with thunder and lightening and I sat in my room feeling small and lonely and flat-out stupid. I had seen it coming, I had seen it coming from miles away. And still, I had decided to ignore my gut feelings and plan roadtrips through the US and potential apartment sharing, had consoled myself with the thought that, while going to SF meant leaving my friends behind and leave my comfort zones, I at least wouldn’t do this journey alone. But now I have to accept the fact that I WILL go alone and I WILL leave my friends and family behind and I WILL jump into the unknown and I WILL spend Christmas alone and I WILL have to deal with homesickness on my own.
He left. Cry and stare at your ceiling feeling completely empty. Have short rushes of anger during which you consider burning the clothes he left behind and dipping the toothbrush he forgot into the toilet. Involve roommate/friend/sibling into such conspiracies. Have roommate tell you what a daft prick he is and how much better you are off without him. Decide to change your hair style. Go back to being a whining piece of shit.
Move into your bed. Only stick out your head if friends or roommates come in to check on you. And to feed you chocolate. Lot’s of chocolate. Self-pitty you. Eat chocolate. Spend a short second thinking about how you should go running to get rid of the calor…nevermind, it’s an inevitable truth that you need chocolate right now. Watch lots of TV shows and chick-flicks to cry some more. Take a shot if you have alcohol nearby. Don’t answer phone calls, especially not if its your mom. Acknowledge that its sunny outside and start crying because not even that goddamn weather is on your side. Look up break-up songs that will confirm your opinion of him being stupid for having dumped you. Watch Sex and the City. Eat an entire Ben and Jerry’s on your own. With a brownie. Feel sick but satisfied.
Your room feels too small, you need to get out. Also, you realize you cant push reality off forever. Silver linings appear. Sun is shining and you actually dont want to shoot it from the sky. You do feel like going running though. You start thinking more optimistic about life. Not about love though. Love sucks and everybody who is in love sucks and everybody who mentions the word love sucks. You make youe change in relationship status visible on Facebook because you are sick of the “You ok?” “You look tired…or did you cry?” “How was the week with your boyfriend?” comments. Change in status results into random people hitting on you and friendly people being sad with you. You tear up but are determined not to show that. Is there some Ben and Jerry’s left?
So, as I was sitting with my good o’ friend B&J, making it through the last Sex& The City season, I gained new hope. Yes, I am on my own and that’s scary. Yes, I have lost trust in my judgements. Yes, I am doubting myself and my compatibility with guys. But just as I’m scraping the last bits of my ice-cream from the bottom of the container, I am also scraping the pieces of my self-confidence together. I know I dont have to be fine yet but I want to be. Life is too short and by me sitting in my room pitying myself I am not making my life any better. I might be weird and random and crazy and sometimes quite a package but there is one thing I have always been proud of:
I AM AN OPTIMIST!
And while going to SF on my own is scary as hell, it is also gonna enable a completely fresh start, a new exciting beginning. Who knows what I could become? Maybe I’m a surfer girl? Or a party girl? Or a nerd? Or the career woman? I dont know but now I have the opportunity to find out without having someone to hold me back. I cant promise I will not cry over him anymore but I am done being isolated and miserable, its just not me, I tend to not cry over things I cant change anyways. We are young, we can fail and get over it. And while my heart, my pride and my trust are broken, I am determined not to have this hold me back.
Life, here I come. Once again. BOOM!…I’ll keep you posted on whether that optimistic attitude will last even when the sugar rush will have faded tomorrow….