“So this is your opinion of me. Thank you for explaining so fully. Perhaps these offences might have been overlooked had not your pride been hurt by my honesty… “
” My pride?”
“…in admitting scruples about our relationship. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your circumstances?”
“And those are the words of a gentleman. From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry”- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, 1813
I don’t know if any of you have read that book or watched one of the countless movie versions? Personally, I have always believed that this story might be quite cute and adorable and Austen-style revolutionary for her time but so full of cliché-cheesiness that I never actually believed in that kind of stuff. But over the last few weeks the long-hoped-for “up” followed the down-period that I was facing a little while ago.
Life on campus is always fast-paced. Things come with a big BAM and before you know what you are dealing with, it’s gone again. Lately, I was reminded of that again. It took me five days to encounter my very own, personal Pride-and-Prejudice-story. Not only did I get into a situation that I had never dreamed of getting myself into but also did I learn that first judgements are very barely accurate. I dare say that I am a person who is farely good in understanding people fast BUT, and I know I gotta work on that, I also know that once I get a very negative impression of someone I am not bothered trying to discover other sides. Simply because there are so many other people around me that I like from the start, so why would I waste valuable resources trying to tickle some potentially nice sides out of someone ? Well. Sometimes, you should do exactly that. I’m sure you all have had encounters with people that, when you first meet them, completely intimidate you. In Germany, public universities are perfectly sufficient for good education and only the very rich kids are willing to pay extra for a little “(priv)” behind the university’s name. The only reason that I will have one of those is thanks to a mix of luck and maybe a bit of talent. However, since we have this situation in Germany, you associate a certain sort of people with private universities. Equipped with confidence, money and all the latest Apple products, this species of college student works its way up the carrier letter and usually also gets what it wants. It is top-down, arrogant, smart and surrounded by its equals. Hence, its not a group I would ever count myself to….But maybe I was judging to fast? Maybe there is more to people than their first appearance, however stereotypical it might be? Even if you are sure that this person belongs to a certain category, does this mean that he or she fulfills all characteristics of this category? No, it does not, as I have learned.
Some time ago, I wrote about insecurity. Insecurity in terms of self-doubts regarding academics, looks and social status. I ignore when people compliment me and decide to focus on all the things I still “need” to improve. And this could get me into a loop where, at some point, I will stop believing in myself completely and thus lose every bit of confidence, which then will make people doubt me in return and so on and so forth. I thought that if my family had a bit more money, I wouldn’t have to pressure myself so much fighting for good grades and good scholarships. I thought that if I would lose weight, people would like me more. But what I realized is that self-doubts are not at all bound to a certain category of people, everyone has them. Even the most confident person on earth can hide something underneath a mask of arrogance. Maybe that person next to you in class, who is solving the Rubik’s cube within a minute to show off, could actually become your soulmate, best friend, someone who walks next to you for a part of your life?
We can never be certain what life has to offer us or where it will take us. Situations we would have never thought possible can actually happen and sometimes its exciting to just let go of this crazy urge to want to control everything. Spontaneous decisions can be the ones that lead to the most fun results. And ideally, the result is that you are happy. How you got there and for which reasons, often plays not a very important role anymore. I am happy, thats all I want to say I think. And how I got there is a story I would have never imagined to be true. Let’s just say that I got “austenized”.
Yes, I still miss New York like crazy but I stopped looking into grad schools there, I just can’t afford it. I will do my masters degree in Europe and then…good question. I still look at the pictures from my summer almost every day, sometimes with a happy reminiscing smile and sometimes with tears running down my cheeks because I miss the city so much. Yes, I am super busy with my studies and my job and some of my friends face their own, personal issues and are occupied with that. Yes, there is a big question mark to life after graduation and I have no idea where I will be in a year from now and, almost more important, with whom I will be there. Maybe with Jessi.Or Judith. Or maybe with someone who is currently walking next to me through this part of my life and whom I would love to include into the next chapter. Or maybe I will go alone, who knows? As a matter of fact, it seems like several big decision are to be made soonish and usually I would freak out about this. However, I succeed in remaining quite calm because my life changed a little. This change came with a big BAM into my life and gives me a lot of confidence into myself, into the world, into the thought that everything will work out if its supposed to. I know, quite cheesy but also really comforting. I can be on my own…but its really nice to have someone be with you…
On this, potentially rather confusing, note: