…but theoretically, that means that it can only get better, right? It has been two weeks that I have been on campus now and I started settling in. Since Judith was supposed to be gone for a semester (Btw, she has something to break to you, but I will leave it up to her to inform you guys), I have a new temporary roommate and she is great, we get along super well and have a lot of fun. So, thats the good thing. We are all settled in and have our dorm decorated. But thats not the thing, I wanna talk about really.
What I am really angry about right now is the power that guys can have over your life. In the recent history of our closer friendship circle, we have had several cases of love sickness or unreturned love or dramatically separated love and, naturally, that influences a person. When I broke up with my first serious boyfriend last December, after over a year of an intense on-campus relationship, I got over him pretty fast, I must say. Mostly because the last few months had been filled with drama and drama and more drama and when we finally broke up, it felt like a heavy weight had been taken off me. I was excited to go back for the spring semester and yes, I would see him every day, but I had gotten strong over winter and knew I could handle it/him. And it worked. Damn, did I enjoy this semester. I became so much more social with my friends because I suddenly had time for that. I got better in my grades. Life was good. Then New York worked out just as I had planned on. Everything was good and I knew it couldn’t get much better. But thats exactly the problem. You lived your dream and then your dream ends and what do you have left? You have to start making new dreams. And in order to make new dreams, I think, you need to realize who you are, where you are and where you wanna go.
I am playing the role of this girl that always makes people laugh and always has something funny or clumsy to say or to do. Everyone in our group has a role and I’m the cheerful person. Because thats the easiest. Everybody likes the cheerful person. And I like making people smile. I like coming to the lunch table and seeing people being stressed out from classes or assignments and just start telling a funny story and make their day a little better. But thats it, thats all people get to see, I always make sure of that.
But who am I really? Yesterday in our Social Psychology class, I had to answer exactly that question for myself. “Just write down, who you are!” Last semester, we had an exercise in class, where people had to go around and write on other people’s backs how they perceived them (Yeah, our university is so small, that you actually know EVERYBODY…except for the Asians and Eastern Europeans. They like to stay for themselves or with their studies. No harm intended). About me, people wrote things like: “The actress”, “New York”, “Happy”, “I like to see your shoulder naked” (still wondering about this one…). I think thats a really great perception that people have of me. But how would I describe myself?
Well. I am… a romantic. And insecure, very insecure. That is the main thing that I perceive about myself. I don’t trust my own judgement and I don’t believe that other people would like me or find me pretty or something. In high school, I was a nerd and no one would believe that studying and having fun could go together, so they put me into a box, I think. My first real relationship on campus was with a guy, that judged people by their ability to have intense, deep discussions and, while we had a good time together as long as it lasted, he also always made clear that “he couldn’t connect on that high intellectual level with me”. If you hear that for over a year and always wonder if you should bring more sophisticated arguments to impress your conversation partner, it kinda tattoos a certain attitude under your skin. Thats what it did. I’m insecure in whether people would like me if they got to know me better, so I just play the easiest role possible: Being the cheer-up. The always happy one. If there is nothing more I show, people think there is nothing more to explore.
From time to time though, I do get to know someone I might like or someone who seems interested in me and then I want to open up. I wanna show him that I am so much more than just that person that is always joking around. But due to my lack of self-confidence, I always doubt that the guy is actually interested in me and just assume that he is extremely drunk/horny/unexperienced/hopeless and thus sees the last chance in me. Especially when nothing is coming as a reaction once both of us sobered up. “Jupp, he was just drunk and I was just drunk and thats how it happened and now thats the end of story, how could you have even considered that he might actually like you, you are ugly and too tall and too chubby and you should go and get your butt to get smaller and your face to get prettier and all those pretty people out there with all these great ideals and how could you ever compete with that?! He sobered up and realized whom he had been flirting with last night and he thought ‘Well, shit’ and then ignored you. And that won’t change. So, give up before putting your hopes up!” And I am getting up and fight with the mirror in the morning because I wanna see what people tell me they see, wanna see that my legs are nice, just as my friend tells me, and that my lips look good and that I am pretty, but I can’t see it really and so I keep on running and keep on hoping that one day, I might win that fight.
sorry folks, I know what you must be thinking…she has friends, a college life, a family etc etc. Im not unthankful, I just wish I could find a way to… appreciate myself maybe? I am working on that, I swear I am but sometimes process is slow and I just have to brag about my little down. But, as said in the beginning, with every downturn comes an up, right? So, lets see what the up is! And yes, I do consider the possibility that I might just be tired or have had a bad day or things are just not working out as I wish at the moment, sometimes everything comes together and you just wanna get it out of your system but don’t bother your friends with all that emotional stuff because they have their own big problems themselves so you turn to your blog that you don’t even know who exactly is gonna read it, so basically you write down really personal things, available for anyone with internet access…why?!?!?! I guess, if I wasn’t that tired and my filter was gone (the filter that would normally make me write all of this down in a google document instead of a PUBLIC blog), I wouldn’t publish that anyway. But anyhow, for anyone who reads this, maybe it makes you realize that you are not the only one with a problem. Or it makes you realize that people, who don’t have “real problems” just make themselves some. I don’t know. Think what you want to think. Since I am generally an optimistic person though, I will know go to bed and hope for an up tomorrow…
Good night guys!