…at least it has never been for me. I know, my next blog post was due long ago and I’m sorry. There is just quite some moving around going on at the moment and its only been now that I had time to sort my thoughts and write them down.
I’m not in New York anymore. At the end of August, my internship was over and it was time to pack my backs and fly back to Germany. First of all, I am scared of flying. Terrified. I just know too little about flight procedures to help myself with rational arguments. When the engines are started and the plane speeds up, I mentally excuse myself to god for being such an unchristian christian and only sending prayers when I’m sitting in a plane or the night before a final I know I didn’t study enough for. The flight from New York to Stuttgart, Germany, was especially bad. I didn’t wanna go back. I was excited to see my family again and my friends, to have certain German things back (like dark bread or Ketchup Pringles) but I would have preferred to go visit them and then come back to the States.When I left my apartment, I didn’t plug in my iPod as usually, I didn’t nap during the subway ride. I wanted to soak up as much of the city as possible. The smell of the Best Fishmarket in Harlem. The dialects and different accents. The stories you kinda overhear in the metro station.
Watching people in the craziest outfits blasting music or performing dances in the trains. I bought myself one last mint-chocolate calorie bomb, wore my most obvious “I’m a weird-looking person but its okay, because its new york and no one would ever care!” outfit and said good-bye.
Once in the plane, it got worse. I was turning on my New York Playlist and was fighting the tears…until the pilot decided to give us one last glimpse of the city. He flew a circle around NY before heading off into the proper direction to give everyone in the plane a good last look. And there they were- Brooklyn Bridge, Central Park, the Empire State Building, New Jersey and they all were so familiar. They felt like home. It had only been three months and I was ashamed I had been letting myself fall for something that quickly. I was crying my eyes out in that stupid plane, awkwardly turned towards the window with my bandana as low into my face as possible. It was horrible. At least it defeated my fear of flying for a while- until three hours into the trip. It was pitch-dark outside, we were above the middle of the Atlantic, I’m watching Hunger Games (which is a great movie by the way but pretty gloomy at times) and suddenly the pilot makes the following announcement: Ladies and Gentlemen, please excuse the disturbance but we will have to reboot our system. That means that the movies won’t be available for a while, we are sorry for this inconvenience.” The logical sight of my thinks: Ok, if their greatest concern is the unavailability of the movies, then we aren’t in any trouble really. But the irrational part of me, myself and I mentally screams: We are DEAD! The system isn’t working and we lost contact to the ground and we have no idea at which height to fly, so if another plane is crossing our level, WE GONNA CRASH and my mortal remains will be lost in the ocean and NO ONE WILL EVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED!!! Well, guess what? Nothing noticeable actually happened. But it sure prevented me from sleeping for the rest of the flight.
Once back in Germany, I had a few hours to kill at the train station. So, I walk into this grocery store, pick something and go pay. Still under American influence, I greet the cashier with a friendly “Guten Morgen, wie geht es Ihnen?” “Good Morning, how are you?” and just get a suspicious glance in return. “Why is that any of your business?”, she replied. “Do you want the gummy bears or not?”. Oh yeah, welcome back to Germany! The train ride home was even gloomier than the flight. The sky was grey, it was chilly, people gave me weird looks for my leggins and no one would offer to help me with my heavy luggage. Sometimes I shrieked when people, that were clearly younger than 21, walked by with a bottle of beer in their hands. At least I won’t have to hide red wine in an orange-juice-bottle anymore^^ Well, once I arrived at home and had my family and friends around me, I felt fine, it was great seeing everyone. Same goes for the day I returned to my campus. People here become extremely close to each other, since we are all living and studying together, they become your family. So, it was also great to see my second family again, it was about time.
Now, normal college stress caught up with me and I have to stop making a big, mental fuss of how great my summer was, how pathbreaking and how instructive. I know what I wanna do in the future, I just don’t know if I can afford it. But for now I am back on campus and have to remind myself day by day that this is the very last year I will have with my friends, like this, under these circumstances and with this much freedom. I should learn to appreciate the past and live in the present but at the very moment, I am grieving about the past and longing for the future. Bad Ari!!! It’s time to focus my thoughts on the more appropriate things in life: What to do for which class, what to write my bachelor thesis about, where to go for grad school, what to wear for saturday’s party, how to loose weight by christmas and how to spice up servery food. And as I’m writing this, I notice that I am feeling good in this role as well and I’ll do my best to adjust back to it asap!! And now I’ll go and have my guitar tuned because I didn’t have it over the summer and really hope I didn’t forget how to play the chords 😀