Some days I’m perfectly fine with that. Whatever will be, will be. I’ll use a quote here again, which is this genius thing that Dan Zadra said (and no, I haven’t read the books he wrote, maybe I should), anways, he said this really smart thing which is that “worry is a misuse of imagination.”
I mean, I have a lot of imagination, and usually it’s much more vivid and much quicker to provide a mental picture than I might want it to. You can imagine that also means that when I start worrying, I worry A LOT. My imagination seems to be able to come up with endless possibilities of everything that could possibly go wrong in my future, some of them surprisingly creative. I mean, I guess it is theoretically possible that I will be an old lady eating cat food because she cannot afford proper meals, or that I’ll live in my brother’s basement and watch TV shows all day while he has a family and becomes a billionaire. It’s just really not very likely.
My problem is not that I’m stupid, or that I’m not interested in anything. I’m interested in a lot of things, and not to boast or anything, but I am also good at a lot of things. The thing is that being good at something is not the same thing as enjoying it. Yeah, I could probably be a pretty efficient HR manager, or project coordinator. I could make good money with that, too. And HR people are needed even if you’re struggling. You can’t really fire the HR coordinator. I mean, the HR manager, at least in the last firm I worked in, is the one writing out the letter that tells you you’re being fired. So in a way, if you fire the HR manager, that’s really that person firing him- or herself… but I digress. What I meant to say was, I could be good at a job like that. I wouldn’t exactly be miserable, either, assuming that the colleagues are tolerable… but I don’t think I would have fun. I want to enjoy myself… I want to be excited about the future, and about my work. So this is where my swirling, rambling, shattered and confused thoughts got me at some point in the early morning hours yesterday.
I want to live my creativity. I want to be able to express myself in my work. And yet a bachelor’s degree in Economics and Management doesn’t exactly scream “creative mind” at potential employers, does it? Don’t get me wrong, I like my major. I like the management courses, especially Marketing, and I also really liked everything to do with development, social innovation and social entrepreneurship. So the solution may be in Marketing design. Maybe for a nonprofit organization. Maybe for a social business. It may be this master’s program I discovered just today that’s called “Design for Development”. The bottom line seems to be that I need some form of design background, so I have spent all day researching design courses, online design schools and certificate programs.
Does this burst of activity come at a weird time, considering I’m flying out to Nairobi in a little less than three days? Maybe. Maybe that’s exactly why I’m thinking about it now – to avoid thinking about the fact that I’ll very soon be living thousands of miles away from my friends for an entire semester, and that I am, frankly, terrified. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go. Nevertheless it is a scary endeavour. Those of you that have previously gone abroad alone for extended periods of time will be familiar with this conflict of feelings. It’s been like this for a while… remember my last post?
As I finish up this one, I am thinking why would you guys even care what goes through my head when I contemplate my future career options. But then that thought was just followed by, “And why would they care about any of the other stuff you’ve written?”… undoubtedly, my mind has a point here, but you know what… if you’ve read this far, you must have cared for some reason. Or just very bored. Either way, comments, feedback… bring it on.
PS: Did anyone notice how I went from “living for the moment” to “what will the future bring?”… Oops. I’ll work on this “being present in the present” thing. Promise.